ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize
