If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
