Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
