Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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