I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Sorry about my life...
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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