I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
