I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
