im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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