For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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