kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Randomize
