My liver just broke up with me...
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
