He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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