Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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