dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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