The beer is more important than you right now.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
