So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
