Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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