Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
