Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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