The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
