I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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