i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
im six kinds of drunk right now
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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