Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Randomize
