So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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