By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
