This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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