Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
