how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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