you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
