Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize
