4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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