Will you blow on my dice?
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
