ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
