Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Randomize