Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
