you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Randomize