I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I need to stop coming to work sober
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize