Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Randomize
