I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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