my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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