Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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