I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
