The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
