I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
