did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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