Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Hippo gnu deer
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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