The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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