I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Sober January is a disaster.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
