it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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