she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
