if you like me you must not know who I am
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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