you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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