Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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