dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
