Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
