hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Randomize
