had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize