I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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